CNN bemoans killer's sentence

My occasional public application to The Onion continues.

In its coverage of the sentencing of convicted murderer T.J. Lane, who flipped off victim's families during an obscenity-laced statement in court, CNN focused on the impact the sentence will have on Lane.

Lane was sentenced to three consecutive life sentences without the possibility of parole.

"This is an 18-year-old young man. A boy, really," CNN reporter Poppy Harlow said outside the courthouse. "He had his whole life ahead of him before this tragic, senseless act. By Judge David Fuhry, I mean."

In handing down the sentence, Fuhry noted Lane's complete lack of remorse for murdering Daniel Parmertor, 16, Demetrius Hewlin, 16, and Russell King Jr., 17, and wounding three other students in a shooting at Chardon High School in Chardon, Ohio.

Upon entering the courtroom, Lane removed a blue button-down shirt to reveal a T-shirt with the word "killer" scrawled across it in black marker.

"It's just so tragic," said Harlow. "He was such a promising student. The shirt could have read, "killer mathlete" if he had just been allowed to realize his potential."

"And so crafty," added anchor Candy Crowley, in reference to the T-shirt. "Who would've thought to do that? He seems to have a creative flair."

Harlow also reported on Lane's vile, obscenity-laced statement to the victims' families, a statement he punctuated by giving the families the middle finger.

"His statement was only two sentences. He certainly understands how to get directly to the point. So many teens lack the self-confidence to be an effective public speaker," Harlow said.

"Sounds like he would've made a great writer. Or statesman," Crowley added, before asking a guest expert about the lasting effect of three consecutive life sentences on an impressionable young man.

"What? Are we really having this conversation?" asked the guest, renowned child psychologist Lauren Higgins, looking around the studio, apparently attempting to determine if she was being pranked. "This person showed no remorse for killing three high school students. He taunted and flipped off the families. He's a piece of shit, the lowest form of human garbage. I hope the other prisoners rape and mutilate him tomorrow. Fuck him."

Crowley then wondered aloud about the potential impact that raping Lane might have on the rapists.

Manning cuts Colts

I know it's a day late, but hey, I was at work last night.

INDIANAPOLIS -- In an emotional press conference with team owner Jim Irsay, Peyton Manning officially cut ties with the Indianapolis Colts Wednesday, ending a 14-year association with the organization.

Manning cited the team's 2-14 record this past season, which Manning sat out while recovering from multiple neck surgeries, as well as the team's ineviable salary cap position as reasons behind his decision to cut the franchise.

"I have had a long, rewarding, historic run with the Indianapolis Colts," Manning said, choking back tears. "But, let's face it, they were the worst team in the league last season. Worse than Buffalo, worse than Minnesota, worse than Cleveland, if you can believe that."

Manning said he plans to work out several free agent teams in the coming weeks before deciding which to sign. He didn't name any teams to avoid violating the league's tampering rule, but his agent, Tom Condon, has mentioned the Miami Dolphins, Arizona Cardinals and Kansas City Chiefs as possible front-runners for the position.

"These are teams that have been under-performing for a long time and should be available off the waiver wire," Condon said.

Manning wished the Colts well but conceded that, unlike many observers, he doesn't see owning the first pick in the upcoming NFL draft and presumptive top pick Andrew Luck as a panacea.

"When was the last time a highly touted college quaterback amounted to anything in the NFL?" Manning asked. "(Ryan) Leaf? (Matt) Leinart? (JaMarcus) Russell? (David) Carr? Suck, suck, suck, suck. Since me, the only highly touted college quarterback who did anything in the NFL is Eli (Manning). And, well, he is my little brother.

"So what's the name of the latest can't-miss prospect all you so-called experts have such a hard-on for?" Manning continued. "Luck? How appropriate."

Manning said he was sure an organization like the Colts would be successful again "someday." But for now, he said, the team should "gather up its dignity, along with all its shit, load it onto trucks and sneak out of town under the cover of night with its tail between its legs, just like it did in Baltimore.

"This is my house," Manning added.

Gingrich: No pay for work

Hello, Onion editors? Are you out there?

DES MOINES, IOWA -- In response to sagging poll numbers ahead of Tuesday's caucuses, Republican presidential hopeful and former frontrunner Newt Gingrich unveiled a plan to decouple wages from jobs that he insists will bolster a struggling economy.

The plan, Gingrich's first major policy announcement since unveiling his child labor initiative last month, would give businesses the option of paying employees in something other than money.

"In this time of economic crisis, we must re-examine this outmoded system of financial compensation for work performed," Gingrich said in a speech before the Iowa Chamber of Commerce. "Government must free job creators from the burden of paying employees with currency. That's currency businesses could use to expand and to create jobs -- although they are under no obligation to do so. Actually, there's nothing stopping them from simply pocketing this windfall.

"Nothing whatsoever," Gingrich added.

Instead of money, the plan calls for businesses to pay employees in the form of tickets redeemable for merchandise at Dave and Buster's Restaurant, Bar and Arcade.

Children enrolled in Gingrich's child-labor initiative would receive tickets redeemable at Chuck E. Cheese's.

Stopping short of abolishing payment in the form of money, the plan would simply reduce the federal minimum wage to zero.

"And we would let our partners in the business community do the rest," Gingrich said.

The plan already has received a warm reception among congressional Republicans, with both House Speaker John Boehner, R-Ohio, and Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, R-Ky., indicating that they would support such a plan, but only if it were accompanied by concessions from Democrats.

The announcement comes on the heels of Gingrich's child labor initiative, which polled well among Republican voters.

Gingrich's jobs plan for children, widely referred to as the "Clean the School You Once Attended" initiative, would teach financially disadvantaged children in poor school districts the value of underpaid menial labor through what Gingrich calls "little-hands-on" experience.

Gingrich campaign spokesman R.C. Hammond pointed out that the plan would free struggling school districts from the burden placed on them by "greedy janitors." In addition, he said, because the plan calls for pulling students away from classroom instruction for two thirds of every school week, the plan also addresses the potential problem of an educated lower class.

"I think the problems that would present are self-evident," Hammond said.

Correction: A previous version of this story reported that Gingrich introduced this plan in a speech before a joint meeting of the Iowa Nazi Party and a local klavern of the Ku Klux Klan. Although the confusion is entirely understandable, we regret the error.

Rove denies Bush ever president

Another Onion entry.

NEW YORK -- After spending the last two years as a paid Fox News pundit and denying various statements and policies of the administration of George W. Bush, former Bush adviser Karl Rove yesterday denied the very existence of the Bush administration and of George W. Bush.

“The only George Bush I know was president after Ronald Reagan. After that, it was Bill Clinton and then Barack Obama,” Rove said on Fox News. “Why do you think we’ve been blaming all of the problems of the last decade on Bill Clinton and the Democrats? Because they’ve been in the White House the entire time.”

In response to anchor Chris Wallace, who claimed that someone named George W. Bush was president from 2001-2009, Rove laughed. “During the period of time you’re talking about, the country faced a mind-boggling number of crises and scandals: the deficit, 9/11, Plamegate, the illegal invasion of Iraq, secret prisons, the illegal torture of prisoners, deregulation of industry and Wall Street, lax enforcement of the few regulations that weren’t eliminated, Hurricane Katrina, the collapse of the housing market, the second depression, to name just a few. You expect me to believe that one person was in the White House during all of these crises and did nothing to resolve them? That sounds too bad to be true. I can’t even imagine a president that ineffectual.”

When Wallace attempted to remind Rove about the 2000 election and the Supreme Court decision in Bush v. Gore that allegedly gave the presidential election to Bush, Rove cut him off.

“So you’re saying Fox News has spent eight of the last 10 years ignoring the culpability of the sitting president for all of these problems,” Rove said. “How could we possibly do that and not be exposed as complete fools? If we did that, we would be laughingstocks. I mean, nobody is stupid enough to take such obvious nonsense seriously. It’s all the fault of Bill Clinton, Barack Obama and the Democrat party. It all happened on their watch.”

Wallace said that Rove was the political adviser of the person whose presidency and existence he now denies, but Rove denied any recollection of serving the supposed Bush in that capacity, as well as any recollection of the person Wallace referred to as Bush. Shown photos of himself with “Bush,” Rove said, “Nice try, Chris, but I’ve heard of Photoshop.”

Wallace went as far as to show video of the alleged Bush’s alleged “Mission Accomplished” speech aboard the USS Abraham Lincoln in 2003.

“I don’t know who that person is,” Rove said. “He’s talking about the U.S. being victorious in Iraq. That right there, Chris, should have indicated to you that this video is fraudulent. I mean, take a look at Iraq. It’s as unstable as ever and we still have, and I don’t have the exact number in front of me, tens of thousands of troops over there, and probably always will. Does that sound like ‘mission accomplished’ to you?

“When is this video supposed to be from? Rove asked. “2003? Are you kidding me? That’s almost eight years ago. Do you remember what a mess Iraq was eight years ago? How could anyone be so self-serving and stupid as to look at that quagmire and declare victory? Besides, everyone knows that Iraq is Obama’s war, which, like the massive federal deficit, he inherited from Clinton.”

Wallace then produced a history book and showed Rove a photo of the alleged former president above the caption, “Former U.S. President George W. Bush.”

“I think Texas has taught us all we need to know about the credibility of textbooks, Chris,” Rove countered.

“Did you know they plan to build a mosque at Ground Zero,” Rove added, “and that Obama was born on Neptune?”

Reid cuts Kolb from fantasy team

PHILADELPHIA -- Eagles head coach Andy Reid dropped quarterback Kevin Kolb from his fantasy football team Thursday, one day after Kolb and linebacker Stewart Bradley failed post-concussion exams. Both players sustained concussions in the Eagles' loss to the Green Bay Packers on Sunday.

"I just felt that, as far as my fantasy team ("Reid Between the Lines") was concerned, there were more productive options at quarterback," Reid said. "That doesn't mean that I don't have complete confidence in Kevin as quarterback of the Philadelphia Eagles. Just not as quarterback of Reid Between the Lines."

Reid said he expects the impact of Kolb's injury on his fantasy team to be minor, as Kolb was the team's backup quarterback.

"I have (New Orleans Saints quarterback) Drew Brees as my starter," Reid said, "so Kevin really just there for insurance and for week 10, when the Saints are on their bye week.

"The guy is a fantastic player, just a great competitor," Reid added. "Brees, I mean. He's a fantasy points machine."

Reid then descibed at length the details of his search for a new backup fantasy quarterback, which he eventually completed by adding free agent Michael Vick to his fantasy roster.

"I'm not crazy about adding Vick," Reid said. "Let's face it, the guy has always been a fantasy bust. But it's just until Big Ben (Roethlisberger) comes back. Then I will release his ass.

"But for the Eagles, Vick is a terrific option," Reid quickly added. "I have complete confidence in Michael. For the Eagles."

Ramirez looks forward to quitting on White Sox

Sports, Onion-style.

After being put on waivers by the Los Angeles Dodgers, Manny Ramirez said Monday he is looking forward to a fresh start with the Chicago White Sox and eventually quitting on them the way he did before leaving the Dodgers and, before that, the Boston Red Sox.

"I am looking forward to joining the White Sox and helping them in the stretch drive of an exciting pennant race," Ramirez said. "I hope to play just well enough to pressure the team into offering me a contract for next season, when I can think of a new and inventive way of quitting on them."

Ramirez finished a brief stint with the Dodgers by being ejected for arguing balls and strikes after one pitch of a pinch-hitting appearance with the bases loaded against the division rival Colorado Rockies. In similar fashion, Ramirez's seven-year career with the Red Sox unofficially ended when he took three straight strikes in a pinch-hitting appearance against Mariano Rivera in 2008.

"I watched three pitches when I quit on the Red Sox. Three whole pitches," Ramirez said while discussing his ejection Sunday. "This time it only took one pitch to get me out of town. I'm thinking maybe next year I will start arguing with the umpire when I come to the plate or just fake an injury in the on-deck circle.

"It's a new team and a new situation," Ramirez added. "I'm happy to be going to Chicago and plan to do whatever I can to get out of Chicago."

Area man actually finds job through LinkedIn

Another in my very occasional series of public auditions for The Onion:

BOSTON -- Dorchester resident Sean Kelly spent Friday celebrating the end of his lengthy job search after he accepted an offer from a local publishing company, an offer he actually insists he would not have received without LinkedIn.

Kelly said the online professional networking site connected him with a current employee at the company, Brown & Reed Publishing, where Kelly will begin working as an editorial assistant Monday. The employee offered Kelly advice on how to handle the interview process.

"I am connected to a former college roommate on LinkedIn, though I never actually worked with him," Kelly said. "Anyway, he's connected to a woman who is connected to a guy who is connected to a guy who works at Brown & Reed. So I wrote to the guy, Tim I think his name is, who wrote back, 'The hiring manager, Vince, is a real asshole. He will try to knock you off balance with bullshit questions like what kind of tree would you be and why. It's a real power-trip thing. But stroke his ego a little and you should be fine.'

"And Tim was right," Kelly added. "Vince is a real asshole."

Kelly said his looking beyond his group of connections to the connections of others made the difference in landing the job.

"The people I am connected to are mostly former co-workers," he said. "What are they going to do, get me some old, lousy job back? And many of them are laid off anyway. I just connect to them ... well, I don't know why. To be friendly, I guess."

LinkedIn founder Reid Hoffman, reacting to the news of LinkedIn's role in Kelly's hiring, said, "Really?"

"People always say, 'LinkedIn is just Facebook for people whose self-worth is tied to their jobs,'" said Hoffman. "But, like I have said all along, LinkedIn connects professionals in a meaningful way to enhance networking opportunities and help people achieve greater success in the job-seeking process.

"No, really, you're fucking with me, right?" he added. "Someone actually found a job using LinkedIn? A job job? Wow."

Kelly certainly is convinced that LinkedIn helped him.

"I wouldn't have this job without LinkedIn," he said. "Sure, it's well beneath my level of qualifications and experience, and the pay is a fraction of what I made before I was laid off. But, hey, it's a job."

GOP calls for end to human decency standards

Another in my very occasional series of public job applications to The Onion.

WASHINGTON – At a press conference at the Capitol today, Congressional Republican leaders called for the relaxing of the standards of basic human decency, saying the standards are bad for business and restrict the ability of American companies to compete in an increasingly global marketplace.

“American businesses have had their hands tied for too long by these unreasonable restrictions on how humans can treat one another,” said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell. “The tobacco and healthcare industries have proven just how profitable businesses can be when operating outside of the bounds of human decency.”

Many business leaders see the standards as unnecessary.

“As it is, we are willingly working with delinquent homeowners to retool their mortgages in ways that allow them to stay in their homes and continue to make payments to us while residing in an asset of diminished value,” said Douglas Beckwith, vice president of America First Trust Bank. “And that’s without the punishing restrictions of enforced standards.

“Such standards will become especially burdensome when the real estate market recovers,” he added.

Republicans touted support for the proposal from some unexpected corners, including the consumer-advocacy group Consumers Union, which, according to its mission statement, works “for a fair, just, and safe marketplace for all consumers and to empower consumers to protect themselves.”

“I suppose we are in agreement that the standards of human decency shouldn’t have to be enforced,” said Consumers Union President Jim Guest, according to a release McConnell’s office distributed after the press conference.

“The old business adage to ‘always remember you are dealing with people’ has caused many a business to take its eyes off the prize over the years,” said House minority leader John Boehner. “The cost to our economy is incalculable. It’s just not fair.”

Specter to launch sign-stealing probe

An entry for Onion sports.

WASHINGTON -- Sen. Arlen Specter, R-Pa., announced plans yesterday to investigate sign-stealing allegations that arose after a recent game in the Lansdale (Pa.) Little League.

Specter said he learned of the controversy after reading a one-paragraph summary of a game between Homestead Remodeling and Yocum Ford in the Lansdale Reporter newspaper. Homestead won the game, 14-3.

In the paragraph, Yocum player Timmy Parker accused Homestead catcher Ryan Clark of stealing Yocum's bunt sign because Homestead pitcher Andy Denny "totally threw the next pitch way outside," Parker said. Parker missed his bunt try, and baserunner Jake Bell was tagged out in a rundown between third and home.

Reached for comment yesterday, Parker said his alleagations are proven by the fact that he's "the best bunter on the team," and called Clark "a cheating doo-doo head."

Specter called the allegations "disappointing."

"There is no room for cheating doo-doo heads in America's pastime," Specter said at a press conference on the steps of the Capitol. "Children must learn the value of sportsmanship at an early age. They should also know that if they cheat, their actions, no matter how insignificant or irrelevant to the business of American government, will draw the full attention of this nation's elected officials."

Specter, chairman of the Senate Judiciary Committee, said a re-evaluation of the league's antitrust exemption may be warranted by the allegations.

Cheney now just going around demanding retroactive immunity

More fodder for my application to The Onion.

White House officials are expressing concern over Vice President Dick Cheney's recent behavior, specifically his growing number of apparently haphazard calls for retroactive immunity.

On Wednesday, Cheney once again called on Congress to pass a new FISA bill that includes retroactive immunity for telecommunications companies that violated the privacy rights of American citizens by participating in the Bush administration's warrantless wiretapping program. It's a demand Cheney has made many times over the last several months.

"Those companies that may have helped us may have done so specifically at our request, and they may have done yeoman duty for the country," Cheney said in a speech to the American Enterprise Institue. "They are possible partriots. They may even be true American heroes.

"We all may owe these companies a tremendous debt of gratitude," he added.

Last week, in an interview on Fox News, Cheney called for retroactive immunity for Karl Rove, claiming that that Rove has broken no laws but that immunity for the former White House chief of staff is "of the utmost importance."

In addition, over the past several weeks, Cheney has demanded immunity for his wife Lynne, his gardner, the wait staff at The Willard Room restaurant and for his Fellowes C-380C Powershred document shredder.

"Dick is demanding immunity for just about everybody he has come into contact with over the last seven years," said a White House official on the condition of anonymity. "Some of the staff think he's crazy. Personally, I think he'd be crazy if he weren't doing it.

"I mean, let's face it..." the official said, his voice trailing off.

Bush bypasses Constitution with signing statement

Another in my ongoing public audition for The Onion.

President Bush issued a signing statement Friday declaring that he is not bound by the restraints placed on his office by the United States Constitution.

“Provisions of the Constitution purport to impose requirements that could inhibit the president's ability to carry out his constitutional obligations as commander in chief, to take care that the laws be faithfully executed, to protect national security, to supervise the executive branch, and to execute his authority as commander in chief,” the statement said. “The executive branch shall take such provisions under advisement and construe them in a manner consistent with the authority of the President.”

“In other words, the Constitution cannot be allowed to limit with my ability to do my job as president,” Bush said before boarding Marine One for his flight to Camp David. “Those candidates can go ahead and stop campaigning now,” Bush added, refusing to elaborate.

The White House later released a second signing statement, this one declaring that Bush doesn’t have to actually sign a law to issue a signing statement declaring his right to ignore it.

White House spokesperson Dana Perino said that Attorney General Michael Mukasey reviewed the signing statements and declared them “100 percent legal,” adding, “So you all might as well just shut up about it.”

Bush, moved by Holocaust Memorial visit, bombs Auschwitz

Another entry in my ongoing public audition for The Onion.

RIYADH, Saudi Arabia — Just days after being moved to tears by a tour of Israel’s Yad Vashem Holocaust memorial, President Bush ordered the bombing of Auschwitz-Birkenau, the largest and most notorious Nazi concentration camp during World War II.

During his visit to Yad Vashem, Bush asked Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice why the United States didn’t bomb the camp during the war, and she reportedly replied, “Because the prisoners we would have been trying to save were there.”

“With the NIE [National Intelligence Estimate] pulling the plug on our original plans, I figured, why not?” Bush said in explaining his order to bomb the site, in southern Poland. “Did I mention that the NIE does not reflect my own views?”

The former concentration camp was operating as a museum and memorial to the millions of victims who died there. It was unclear how many staff and visitors were there at the time of the bombing.

“Today we have righted one of history’s great wrongs: Not bombing something when the opportunity presented itself,” Bush said.

“Never again,” Bush added. “Never again.”

I have the love of community journalism you’re looking for

Another in my ongoing public audition for The Onion.

Dear managing editor:

I saw your help-wanted advertisement for a night desk copy editor and page designer, and all I can say is, “Look no further, for I have the passion, nay the love, of community journalism you’re looking for!”

I’m sure you have been flooded with responses to your ad, because who among us isn’t excited about a school board debating whether to pay for an impact study to help it decide whether or not to build a new pool at the high school? And who isn’t enthralled at the possibility that township supervisors may not have a quorum on the very evening they’re scheduled to vote on installing parking meters on Main Street?

But for me, it’s more than that. Sure it’s the issues, but it’s also the lifestyle. It’s the rush of an off-year election night (and the accompanying free pizza!), frantically editing stories about voter reax to local results as the clock speeds toward deadline. Wow!

Some people call me an adrenaline junkie, but I just laugh right along with them.

Community journalism has given me so much. For instance, before I began working on copy desks, I had no idea that the word “Dumpster” is properly spelled with a capital “D.” For years I used a lowercase “d” and nobody corrected me, probably snickering behind my back at my ignorance. Well, those days are over!

Where else but in the newsroom of a community newspaper could I spend my evening debating the merits of the serial comma? (I’ll eschew it, but you’ll never convince me the AP is right on that one!) On nights when we have those spirited chats, I can’t microwave my dinner and take it back to my desk fast enough!

After all these years in community journalism, I still get a swell of pride when I walk into the all-night supermarket to fetch next week’s Lean Cuisines and am greeted by the professional-looking, error-free front page I helped produce just the evening before. Sometimes my flair for headline writing is on display right there in the store. I feel like a secret celebrity because nobody knows it was me who wrote the headline they’re enjoying, but I don’t get a swelled head. Sure it’s a glamorous job, but I’m no big shot.

And when I think of all the money I might have wasted on entertainment and who knows what else if I weren’t working on Saturday nights, I just shake my head.

Every night when my cat and I go to bed, I replay the evening’s events, stories, conversations and controversies in my head, sometimes wondering if I actually made a particular correction or meant to and forgot. Usually I did, but not knowing can be stressful, so I’ve learned not to worry about it so much. Still, sometimes you can’t help but wonder, “What if?”

Without such important issues to think about, I would probably just lie in bed and dwell on nonsense like quietly wishing a meteor the size of a Greyhound bus would crash through my roof and land right on top of me.

Wow, how much fun would it be to edit that story?

Study: Supporting torture does not increase penis size

Yet another installment in my ongoing public audition for The Onion:

A study by researchers at the University of South Carolina has found that defending torture does not actually increase penis size.

The scientists published their controversial findings in the New England Journal of Medicine.

The researchers studied the effect of the subject of torture on wealthy caucasian males. They found that evidence of added torture-based length and girth among this group is largely anecdotal, based almost entirely on the chest puffing and tough-guy preening meant to establish them as the dominant male of their cohort. The researchers account for previously published findings of added penile mass in this group by explaining that talking torture simply made the experimental group slightly sexually excited.

"It gave them a 'chubby,' to use the lay vernacular," writes Dr. Gilbert Shaw, the lead author of the study. "But most members of the study group stopped short of full-on wood." Shaw noted that any growth is temporary and disappears quickly when the subject of universal health care is raised.

The researchers added that gun ownership and Corvettes also have no effect on penis size.

UPDATE: Today's fake headlines. I'm going the extra mile.

Gas prices surge around peak travel season; Analysts dumbfounded
Nation prepares to be lulled to sleep by tryptophan, Detroit Lions
New England Patriots to represent AFC in Pro Bowl
Williams returns to Dolphins 'to be a part of history'

GOP candidates change names to Bauer

Another installment of my ongoing, public audition for The Onion.

Republican presidential candidates, from left, Jack Bauer, Jack Bauer and Jack Bauer.


In an effort to appeal to conservative voters, each of the candidates seeking the Republican nomination for president has changed his name to Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer is the name of the main character on the Fox television drama “24,” a program that depicts harsh interrogation practices and has been criticized in some circles for normalizing and even glamorizing torture. In other circles, however, the show is incredibly popular for that same reason, and it appears that the GOP presidential candidates are seeking to capitalize on that popularity.

“Jack thought the name change was the best way to distinguish himself from the rest of the pack and demonstrate his strong stance on national security,” said Bauer campaign spokesperson Jack Bauer. “For good measure, Jack insisted that everyone attached to his campaign change their names to Jack Bauer,” Bauer added.

The rash of name changes led to a recent debate in which the GOP hopefuls attempted to one-up each other in touting their anti-terror, pro-torture agenda.

Former New York City Mayor Jack Bauer said his role in restoring order after the 9/11 terror attacks makes him the most qualified candidate to “take on the terrorists.” Bauer said that, if elected, he would visit the Guantanamo Bay detention facility once a week and personally waterboard every prisoner held there, regardless of whether they have been charged with any wrongdoing.

“9/11,” Bauer added.

“I don’t want [terrorists] on our soil,” former Massachusetts Governor Jack Bauer said. “I want them on Guantanamo, where they don’t get the access to lawyers that they get when they’re on our soil. I don’t want them in our prisons. I want them there. Some people have said we ought to close Guantanamo. My view is we ought to double Guantanamo.” Bauer added that he may also double his name, to “Jack Jack Bauer Bauer.”

“Torture is wrong and provides unreliable information. Unless, of course, it’s done by me, Jack Bauer,” said Arizona Senator Jack Bauer. “Nobody on this stage tonight knows more about torture than Jack Bauer.”

“I’m not looking for Jack Bauer, I am Jack Bauer!” Colorado Rep. Jack Bauer said to thunderous applause.

Former Tennessee Senator and “Law and Order” star Jack Bauer said he would “torture everyone I can get my hands on until someone tells me where Saddam is hiding his WMD. And if we ever capture Saddam, I will torture him myself.”

Despite their differences, the candidates appeared to agree that terrorism is bad, 9/11 was tragic and that torture is good when it’s done by Jack Bauer.

Republican voters seemed excited by the name changes, despite the obvious potential for confusion of the candidates and their positions on the issues.

“I don’t give two flaming shits who wins the nomination,” longtime Republican voter George “Jack Bauer” Nichols said. “In the general election, I’m voting for Jack Bauer.”

h/t to Wes at Daily Chicken Scratch for the image.

There’s no crying in baseball

There might be some PTSD, however.

History: Crusades ‘necessary, justified’

My ongoing, public audition for The Onion:

At a hastily called press conference Friday, history declared that the Crusades, a series of Catholic Church-sanctioned purges of heretics across Europe in the 12th through 14th centuries, are now understood to be “necessary and justified.”

“No pope wants to go to war,” history declared. “Except maybe for Pope Urban II,” whom history referred to as a “wartime pope.”

History explained that the killing of Christian pilgrims by Seljuk Turks in the 11th century had to be avenged, and that Christian rulers faced imminent threats from non-Christian kingdoms.

“The pope didn’t want that smoking mace to be an invading horde,” history said.

The Bush administration reacted favorably to the news.

“See, my legacy is still up in the air,” President Bush said from Camp David in a prepared statement. “I’m confident that 700 years from now, history will vindicate the invasion of Iraq as necessary to respond to a thug dictator armed with WMD-related programs and/or to spread democracy.”

History said the Holocaust is currently under review, but indicated the odds that it someday will be considered necessary and justified “aren’t good.”

VP wins Nobel Prize

My application to The Onion.

On the heels of news that former Vice President Al Gore won the Nobel Peace Prize, the Norwegian Nobel Committee announced that current Vice President Dick Cheney has won the Nobel War Prize.

In explaining its decision, the committee cited Cheney’s unwavering dedication to promoting and waging war.

“The United States is already bogged down in armed conflicts in Iraq and Afghanistan, and Cheney is pushing for war with Iran,” the committee said. “He ignored facts, cherry-picked intelligence and flat-out lied to push the U.S. toward invading Iraq. This guy just loves war.”

The committee also noted Cheney’s role as CEO of Halliburton and as chair of the Bush administration’s energy task force.

“At a time when rising global temperatures threaten to create increased competition and conflict over dwindling natural resources, Dick Cheney supports increased reliance on coal and oil,” the committee said. “He’s doing everything he can to promote a perpetual state of global war for years to come. How could we not give him this award?”

Gore shared his honor with the UN’s Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change. Cheney was the committee’s unanimous choice and will share the prize with no one.

Many observers felt that Cheney’s lack of military experience — he received five draft deferments during the Vietnam War — would hurt his chances with the committee.

“It is unusual for the committee to award this prize to someone who not only has no actual experience serving in the military, but also went to such extraordinary lengths to avoid service,” said Rear Admiral Jacob Shuford, president of the United States Naval War College. “But the bloodlust that Cheney has demonstrated since taking office has been, quite literally, unprecedented.

“The fact he shot that guy [Harry Whittington] in the face couldn’t have hurt, either,” Shuford added. “His chances, I mean, not that guy’s face. That probably hurt quite a bit, actually.”

The White House reacted with pride to the announcement, which came at an opportune time for the Bush administration as Gore’s honor spotlighted the administration’s dismal environmental record.

“We, like all Americans, are extremely proud of Vice President Cheney for winning the war prize,” said White House spokesperson Dana Perino. “It is a well-deserved honor. He’s a true warrior.”

At the time of the announcement, Cheney was holed up in his bunker at an undisclosed location and unavailable for comment.