VP wins Nobel Prize

My application to The Onion.

On the heels of news that former Vice President Al Gore won the Nobel Peace Prize, the Norwegian Nobel Committee announced that current Vice President Dick Cheney has won the Nobel War Prize.

In explaining its decision, the committee cited Cheney’s unwavering dedication to promoting and waging war.

“The United States is already bogged down in armed conflicts in Iraq and Afghanistan, and Cheney is pushing for war with Iran,” the committee said. “He ignored facts, cherry-picked intelligence and flat-out lied to push the U.S. toward invading Iraq. This guy just loves war.”

The committee also noted Cheney’s role as CEO of Halliburton and as chair of the Bush administration’s energy task force.

“At a time when rising global temperatures threaten to create increased competition and conflict over dwindling natural resources, Dick Cheney supports increased reliance on coal and oil,” the committee said. “He’s doing everything he can to promote a perpetual state of global war for years to come. How could we not give him this award?”

Gore shared his honor with the UN’s Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change. Cheney was the committee’s unanimous choice and will share the prize with no one.

Many observers felt that Cheney’s lack of military experience — he received five draft deferments during the Vietnam War — would hurt his chances with the committee.

“It is unusual for the committee to award this prize to someone who not only has no actual experience serving in the military, but also went to such extraordinary lengths to avoid service,” said Rear Admiral Jacob Shuford, president of the United States Naval War College. “But the bloodlust that Cheney has demonstrated since taking office has been, quite literally, unprecedented.

“The fact he shot that guy [Harry Whittington] in the face couldn’t have hurt, either,” Shuford added. “His chances, I mean, not that guy’s face. That probably hurt quite a bit, actually.”

The White House reacted with pride to the announcement, which came at an opportune time for the Bush administration as Gore’s honor spotlighted the administration’s dismal environmental record.

“We, like all Americans, are extremely proud of Vice President Cheney for winning the war prize,” said White House spokesperson Dana Perino. “It is a well-deserved honor. He’s a true warrior.”

At the time of the announcement, Cheney was holed up in his bunker at an undisclosed location and unavailable for comment.