Rove denies Bush ever president

Another Onion entry.

NEW YORK -- After spending the last two years as a paid Fox News pundit and denying various statements and policies of the administration of George W. Bush, former Bush adviser Karl Rove yesterday denied the very existence of the Bush administration and of George W. Bush.

“The only George Bush I know was president after Ronald Reagan. After that, it was Bill Clinton and then Barack Obama,” Rove said on Fox News. “Why do you think we’ve been blaming all of the problems of the last decade on Bill Clinton and the Democrats? Because they’ve been in the White House the entire time.”

In response to anchor Chris Wallace, who claimed that someone named George W. Bush was president from 2001-2009, Rove laughed. “During the period of time you’re talking about, the country faced a mind-boggling number of crises and scandals: the deficit, 9/11, Plamegate, the illegal invasion of Iraq, secret prisons, the illegal torture of prisoners, deregulation of industry and Wall Street, lax enforcement of the few regulations that weren’t eliminated, Hurricane Katrina, the collapse of the housing market, the second depression, to name just a few. You expect me to believe that one person was in the White House during all of these crises and did nothing to resolve them? That sounds too bad to be true. I can’t even imagine a president that ineffectual.”

When Wallace attempted to remind Rove about the 2000 election and the Supreme Court decision in Bush v. Gore that allegedly gave the presidential election to Bush, Rove cut him off.

“So you’re saying Fox News has spent eight of the last 10 years ignoring the culpability of the sitting president for all of these problems,” Rove said. “How could we possibly do that and not be exposed as complete fools? If we did that, we would be laughingstocks. I mean, nobody is stupid enough to take such obvious nonsense seriously. It’s all the fault of Bill Clinton, Barack Obama and the Democrat party. It all happened on their watch.”

Wallace said that Rove was the political adviser of the person whose presidency and existence he now denies, but Rove denied any recollection of serving the supposed Bush in that capacity, as well as any recollection of the person Wallace referred to as Bush. Shown photos of himself with “Bush,” Rove said, “Nice try, Chris, but I’ve heard of Photoshop.”

Wallace went as far as to show video of the alleged Bush’s alleged “Mission Accomplished” speech aboard the USS Abraham Lincoln in 2003.

“I don’t know who that person is,” Rove said. “He’s talking about the U.S. being victorious in Iraq. That right there, Chris, should have indicated to you that this video is fraudulent. I mean, take a look at Iraq. It’s as unstable as ever and we still have, and I don’t have the exact number in front of me, tens of thousands of troops over there, and probably always will. Does that sound like ‘mission accomplished’ to you?

“When is this video supposed to be from? Rove asked. “2003? Are you kidding me? That’s almost eight years ago. Do you remember what a mess Iraq was eight years ago? How could anyone be so self-serving and stupid as to look at that quagmire and declare victory? Besides, everyone knows that Iraq is Obama’s war, which, like the massive federal deficit, he inherited from Clinton.”

Wallace then produced a history book and showed Rove a photo of the alleged former president above the caption, “Former U.S. President George W. Bush.”

“I think Texas has taught us all we need to know about the credibility of textbooks, Chris,” Rove countered.

“Did you know they plan to build a mosque at Ground Zero,” Rove added, “and that Obama was born on Neptune?”