Step up your games

Here we are at the midpoint (more or less, who's keeping track, anyway?) of the NFL season. As a public service, I'd like to offer the networks that broadcast NFL games (CBS, Fox, NBC and ESPN. We will exclude the NFL Network because, let's face it, nobody gives a shit about the NFL Network.) some advice on how to improve their broadcasts. Following these five suggestions will make your broadcasts more enjoyable for your viewers, and make you better human beings in the process.

1. Don't show me the money. The reaction shot of the team owner in his luxury box, aka the "money shot," adds nothing to the broadcast. I don't know where network executives got the idea that what people really want to see when they tune in to an NFL game are billionaires celebrating. I'm not interested in watching lackeys clean the eyeglasses or peel the olives of their sugar daddies-in-law. I don't care to see old, wealthy men rubbing elbows with other old, wealthy men. And that's when they're high-fiving! If I want to see badly executed high-fives, I'll go watch a pickup basketball game in any U.S. suburb.

2. Shut up. The commentary audio of any NFL game could be married to the video of any other NFL game and sync up pretty well. Announcers all say pretty much the same things in response to the same plays. There is little that's uniquely insightful in the wall of words that accompanies every game. What passes for insightful analysis during these broadcasts is reminding viewers every time a challenge flag is thrown is that there has to be "indisputable evidence to overturn the call on the field." Or, when showing a replay of a hold, pointing out "that will get called every time," failing to add (for once) "And I will say that exact sentence every time." Part of the appeal of a baseball radio broadcast are the gaps in commentary so the listener can hear the crowd, get a feel for what it's like to be at the game and maybe think along with the hitter or manager. NFL announcers never stop talking. Sometimes they are so enamored with their own brilliance that they talk over a referee announcing a penalty. It's an assault on the ears and brain. It's impossible to think when someone is talking to you, and therefore impossible to think during the three hours of an NFL game broadcast. And maybe that's the point. But if the networks want to entertain their viewers instead of anesthetize them, Just. Shut. Up. NBC broadcast an announcerless game between the Miami Dolphins and the New York Jets in 1980. It's an idea whose time has returned. Never really left, in my opinion.

3. Stop with the man-crushes. If I have to listen to another fawning, drooling soliloquy about Ray Lewis or see another shot of Lewis reacting to a play in which he wasn't even involved, I might throw my remote through my TV screen. I won't be surprised when the networks set up a camera at Ray Lewis' house so they can get a shot of him reacting to a game he's watching on TV. Or to a game of Madden on PlayStation. Or to a movie he's watching. Enough already.

And, while we're at it, never mention Brett Favre again, ever.

4. The halftime/pregame show. Listening to Terry, Howie, Coach, Key, Dan, Archie, Jughead, Bashful and Dopey is the dictionary definition of wasted time. The entire model jumped the shark when J.B. interviewed the E-Trade baby, which needs to be retired more desperately than did the former Packer/Jet/Viking quarterback who shall not be named. And the lapel pins. It's 2012. You guys just look like douchebags now.

5. Obscured establishing shots of host cities. This isn't major, but if you're going to show some local flavor as you come out of your homoerotic beer and truck commercials, don't completely block the shot with graphics. As a viewer, it's not fun to say, "Hey, there's Quincy Mar--" and then see the shot covered by the Ford logo. And Fox, please send that stupid-ass robot packing along with the E-Trade baby and you know who.

There they are. Five simple suggestions to make watching NFL games more appealing. And, because I'm a generous guy, here's one more, for no extra charge: Don't make a national audience watch the Browns, Titans, Jaguars (not "Jag-wires," dumbasses), Chiefs, Bills or Panthers. Normally I would add the Cowboys to that list but, for a lot of people, including me, watching them lose is very entertaining.

Manning cuts Colts

I know it's a day late, but hey, I was at work last night.

INDIANAPOLIS -- In an emotional press conference with team owner Jim Irsay, Peyton Manning officially cut ties with the Indianapolis Colts Wednesday, ending a 14-year association with the organization.

Manning cited the team's 2-14 record this past season, which Manning sat out while recovering from multiple neck surgeries, as well as the team's ineviable salary cap position as reasons behind his decision to cut the franchise.

"I have had a long, rewarding, historic run with the Indianapolis Colts," Manning said, choking back tears. "But, let's face it, they were the worst team in the league last season. Worse than Buffalo, worse than Minnesota, worse than Cleveland, if you can believe that."

Manning said he plans to work out several free agent teams in the coming weeks before deciding which to sign. He didn't name any teams to avoid violating the league's tampering rule, but his agent, Tom Condon, has mentioned the Miami Dolphins, Arizona Cardinals and Kansas City Chiefs as possible front-runners for the position.

"These are teams that have been under-performing for a long time and should be available off the waiver wire," Condon said.

Manning wished the Colts well but conceded that, unlike many observers, he doesn't see owning the first pick in the upcoming NFL draft and presumptive top pick Andrew Luck as a panacea.

"When was the last time a highly touted college quaterback amounted to anything in the NFL?" Manning asked. "(Ryan) Leaf? (Matt) Leinart? (JaMarcus) Russell? (David) Carr? Suck, suck, suck, suck. Since me, the only highly touted college quarterback who did anything in the NFL is Eli (Manning). And, well, he is my little brother.

"So what's the name of the latest can't-miss prospect all you so-called experts have such a hard-on for?" Manning continued. "Luck? How appropriate."

Manning said he was sure an organization like the Colts would be successful again "someday." But for now, he said, the team should "gather up its dignity, along with all its shit, load it onto trucks and sneak out of town under the cover of night with its tail between its legs, just like it did in Baltimore.

"This is my house," Manning added.

RIP

Ron Santo, standout former third baseman for the Chicago Cubs, 70.


The first baseball glove I had when I was a kid was a Ron Santo signature model. Even then the glove was old, and I didn't know who Santo was. The glove had a metal button at the bottom left of the outer shell that secured a strap across the back of my wrist. Every time I caught a ball, the button would sound a metallic rattle that I can still hear. Nobody else in my little league had a glove that made that sound.

I caught my first fly ball in a game with that glove, a fly ball that I can still see. I was in right field at Tarken playground in Philly and I saw the ball come off the bat and through the twilight. To me. I was terrified, and what made matters worse was that I had no read on the ball, no angle. I couldn't react to the ball, couldn't move. I stood frozen and watched the ball for a clue as to where it might be headed, eager to break in any direction, as soon as I could figure out which.

I kept standing there and kept looking up. The ball got closer and closer. As it approached, I bent my elbow to raise my glove and watched the ball land inside. I heard the pop of the pocket, the rattle of the button and the cheers from my bench along the third-base line, behind which my father stood watching (at that level, a fly ball was a serious threat, no sure bet to be caught). I smiled as I threw the ball in, resumed my defensive stance and shook with nerves for the rest of the inning. I caught my first fly ball, and I didn't have to move.

Had him played perfectly.

Reid cuts Kolb from fantasy team

PHILADELPHIA -- Eagles head coach Andy Reid dropped quarterback Kevin Kolb from his fantasy football team Thursday, one day after Kolb and linebacker Stewart Bradley failed post-concussion exams. Both players sustained concussions in the Eagles' loss to the Green Bay Packers on Sunday.

"I just felt that, as far as my fantasy team ("Reid Between the Lines") was concerned, there were more productive options at quarterback," Reid said. "That doesn't mean that I don't have complete confidence in Kevin as quarterback of the Philadelphia Eagles. Just not as quarterback of Reid Between the Lines."

Reid said he expects the impact of Kolb's injury on his fantasy team to be minor, as Kolb was the team's backup quarterback.

"I have (New Orleans Saints quarterback) Drew Brees as my starter," Reid said, "so Kevin really just there for insurance and for week 10, when the Saints are on their bye week.

"The guy is a fantastic player, just a great competitor," Reid added. "Brees, I mean. He's a fantasy points machine."

Reid then descibed at length the details of his search for a new backup fantasy quarterback, which he eventually completed by adding free agent Michael Vick to his fantasy roster.

"I'm not crazy about adding Vick," Reid said. "Let's face it, the guy has always been a fantasy bust. But it's just until Big Ben (Roethlisberger) comes back. Then I will release his ass.

"But for the Eagles, Vick is a terrific option," Reid quickly added. "I have complete confidence in Michael. For the Eagles."

Signature pitch

An interactive look at Mariano Rivera's cutter and why it is so effective.

Ramirez looks forward to quitting on White Sox

Sports, Onion-style.

After being put on waivers by the Los Angeles Dodgers, Manny Ramirez said Monday he is looking forward to a fresh start with the Chicago White Sox and eventually quitting on them the way he did before leaving the Dodgers and, before that, the Boston Red Sox.

"I am looking forward to joining the White Sox and helping them in the stretch drive of an exciting pennant race," Ramirez said. "I hope to play just well enough to pressure the team into offering me a contract for next season, when I can think of a new and inventive way of quitting on them."

Ramirez finished a brief stint with the Dodgers by being ejected for arguing balls and strikes after one pitch of a pinch-hitting appearance with the bases loaded against the division rival Colorado Rockies. In similar fashion, Ramirez's seven-year career with the Red Sox unofficially ended when he took three straight strikes in a pinch-hitting appearance against Mariano Rivera in 2008.

"I watched three pitches when I quit on the Red Sox. Three whole pitches," Ramirez said while discussing his ejection Sunday. "This time it only took one pitch to get me out of town. I'm thinking maybe next year I will start arguing with the umpire when I come to the plate or just fake an injury in the on-deck circle.

"It's a new team and a new situation," Ramirez added. "I'm happy to be going to Chicago and plan to do whatever I can to get out of Chicago."

National League Champions

The Philadelphia Phillies.

A fan reacts to the Phils' Game 4 win.

Douchebag of the Week

Kanye and Serena, I give you credit for your outstanding efforts, but you picked the wrong week to act like assholes. Our winner, of course, is Joe Wilson (R-SC). Wow, what a fucking douchebag!

100 Innings

I'm recovering from the 100 Innings of Baseball fundraiser for ALS research. The event was held Saturday through Sunday in Quincy, Mass. I've played plenty of night games, but I never watched the sun rise while playing the outfield before. There's something beautiful about dawn's early light on a baseball field -- especially one that's in use. But nothing compares to having my wife and daughter there to watch me play. Two images tattooed to my brain are my wife clapping after I singled and scored a run, and my daughter smiling while happily digging in the dirt behind the dugout.

Former Phillies and Red Sox pitcher Curt Schilling, a big supporter of ALS research, stopped by during the 95th inning to offer his support and say thanks. He chatted with the players, posed for a group photo and signed some baseballs.

The event raised $26,756 for ALS research so far. I say "so far" because even though the game is over, donations are being accepted for the next two weeks. To donate, click here. Anything you can spare will be a big help. Thank you to everyone who has been so generous in donating to support this great cause.

Arming for the stretch run

Phillies to announce Pedro Martinez signing today.

In other baseball news, the NL lost the All-Star game again. It's the first loss in the All-Star game by a Phillies manager. The last time the NL won the All-Star game was in 1996, at the Vet in Philly.

The knuckler

Tim Wakefield's slow, erratic road to the All-Star game.

God Bless America

for the Flyers fans.

The naturalizing effect

That's two in a row for left field at Fenway Park.

RIP

Philly sportscaster Gary Papa, 54. Papa was very likable on the air, and when my father met him at a Phillies game, we saw that was no put-on.

Scalpers

In Congress, selling Sox-Nationals tickets at a hefty markup. Oh yeah, the tickets come with the access that lobbyists crave.

When the Boston Red Sox come to Washington next week for a three-game interleague series, they’ll bring one of baseball’s best records and an impassioned Northeastern fan base. They’ll also bring in a major league cash haul for members of Congress.

More than a dozen lawmakers — including seven from Massachusetts and its neighboring states (aka Red Sox Nation) — have scheduled fundraisers at Nationals Park when the Sox come to town to play the cellar-dwelling Washington Nationals.

For between $1,500 and $5,000, lobbyists and political action committee managers can take in a game and a beer with a powerful lawmaker who controls the fate of legislation they’re paid to sway.

Donors who give $5,000 to Rep. John Larson (D-Conn.) get two tickets to the game, plus the chance to watch batting practice from the exclusive President’s Club seating area beforehand, according to his invitation. Rep. Jim Langevin (D-R.I.) says donors will enjoy a pregame “dinner reception at the President’s Club, then enjoy the game in the best seats in the house — behind home plate!”

Langevin — a big Sox fan, according to his spokeswoman, Joy Fox — quickly sold out 50 tickets for between $1,500 and $2,500 a pop. Not a bad markup, when you consider the face value was $200 each.

Seriously, why don't you whores just put on some fishnets and stroll the streets and get it over with?

50 games

off for Manny Ramirez, who has tested positive for HCG, AKA human chorionic gonadotropin. The drug is often used by people using human growth hormone (HGH) or testosterone, because when the body recognizes that it has excess testosterone, it shuts down its own natural production of the hormone.

HGH and testosterone, of course, often are used by athletes looking to artifically improve their performance because they enhance strength and muscle growth.

Like Barry Bonds and Roger Clemens, this is another case of a probable Hall of Famer who now might not get in. But I don't suppose many of these players think that far ahead. For them, it's often about the next huge contract, which is ironic because why would someone who is already rich jeapordize their health and legacy for just more money? Would Bonds have had to take a job bagging grocieries if he had retired in 1997? Of course, given the way that baseball, the media and fans treated Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa in 1998, there was little reason for Bonds to think he would be tarnishing his image by using. The health effects he presumably knew about and disregarded.

Bonds has never tested positive (which, given the way the cheaters are always ahead of the testers and the weak-ass program baseball had previously, means nothing) and never admitted "knowingly" using, not even to the BALCO grand jury. Yet he has become the poster boy for baseball's steroid era (I'm not saying that's undeserved), and many Hall of Fame voters will refuse to vote to induct him. How then could these voters elect Clemens, McGwire, Jason Giambi, Gary Sheffield, Alex Rodriguez and now Manny?

What Manny's suspension tells us, along with the fact that MLB is finally, reluctantly serious about getting performance-enhancing drugs out of the game, is that the so-called "steroid era" is not over. What might help would be to get someone in the commissioner's office who is not an employee of the owners and free to act in the best interest of the game instead of his employers.

Sports journalism

Sox owner John Henry to buy the Boston Globe?

Bat man

The Sox will have a special, experienced pair of hands in the dugout Saturday during their game against the stinkins.

Babe Ruth greeted Arthur Giddon as he did most 13-year-olds, even those in uniform. Giddon chatted with the Babe for a moment but tore himself away because he had a job to do. It was 1922, and as a Boston Braves bat boy, Giddon had to break out the bats, polish some spikes and otherwise outfit his players for that afternoon’s game at Braves Field.

Eighty-seven years later, on Saturday, Giddon will reprise his role for his now-beloved Red Sox — as a special 100th birthday present, he will serve as the team’s honorary bat boy prior to the game against the rival Yankees. The same hands that delivered bats to Billy Southworth and softened Rube Marquard’s glove will do the same for Kevin Youkilis and Jon Lester.

Now at bat boy for the Red Sox: No. 100, Big Pappy.

Congratulations, Mr. Giddon.

RIP

Harry Kalas, Hall of Fame broadcaster and voice of the Phillies, 73.

Ringin’ in the new season

The World Champion Philadelphia Phillies.