Study: Supporting torture does not increase penis size

Yet another installment in my ongoing public audition for The Onion:

A study by researchers at the University of South Carolina has found that defending torture does not actually increase penis size.

The scientists published their controversial findings in the New England Journal of Medicine.

The researchers studied the effect of the subject of torture on wealthy caucasian males. They found that evidence of added torture-based length and girth among this group is largely anecdotal, based almost entirely on the chest puffing and tough-guy preening meant to establish them as the dominant male of their cohort. The researchers account for previously published findings of added penile mass in this group by explaining that talking torture simply made the experimental group slightly sexually excited.

"It gave them a 'chubby,' to use the lay vernacular," writes Dr. Gilbert Shaw, the lead author of the study. "But most members of the study group stopped short of full-on wood." Shaw noted that any growth is temporary and disappears quickly when the subject of universal health care is raised.

The researchers added that gun ownership and Corvettes also have no effect on penis size.

UPDATE: Today's fake headlines. I'm going the extra mile.

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New England Patriots to represent AFC in Pro Bowl
Williams returns to Dolphins 'to be a part of history'