History: Crusades ‘necessary, justified’

My ongoing, public audition for The Onion:

At a hastily called press conference Friday, history declared that the Crusades, a series of Catholic Church-sanctioned purges of heretics across Europe in the 12th through 14th centuries, are now understood to be “necessary and justified.”

“No pope wants to go to war,” history declared. “Except maybe for Pope Urban II,” whom history referred to as a “wartime pope.”

History explained that the killing of Christian pilgrims by Seljuk Turks in the 11th century had to be avenged, and that Christian rulers faced imminent threats from non-Christian kingdoms.

“The pope didn’t want that smoking mace to be an invading horde,” history said.

The Bush administration reacted favorably to the news.

“See, my legacy is still up in the air,” President Bush said from Camp David in a prepared statement. “I’m confident that 700 years from now, history will vindicate the invasion of Iraq as necessary to respond to a thug dictator armed with WMD-related programs and/or to spread democracy.”

History said the Holocaust is currently under review, but indicated the odds that it someday will be considered necessary and justified “aren’t good.”