GOP candidates change names to Bauer

Another installment of my ongoing, public audition for The Onion.

Republican presidential candidates, from left, Jack Bauer, Jack Bauer and Jack Bauer.


In an effort to appeal to conservative voters, each of the candidates seeking the Republican nomination for president has changed his name to Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer is the name of the main character on the Fox television drama “24,” a program that depicts harsh interrogation practices and has been criticized in some circles for normalizing and even glamorizing torture. In other circles, however, the show is incredibly popular for that same reason, and it appears that the GOP presidential candidates are seeking to capitalize on that popularity.

“Jack thought the name change was the best way to distinguish himself from the rest of the pack and demonstrate his strong stance on national security,” said Bauer campaign spokesperson Jack Bauer. “For good measure, Jack insisted that everyone attached to his campaign change their names to Jack Bauer,” Bauer added.

The rash of name changes led to a recent debate in which the GOP hopefuls attempted to one-up each other in touting their anti-terror, pro-torture agenda.

Former New York City Mayor Jack Bauer said his role in restoring order after the 9/11 terror attacks makes him the most qualified candidate to “take on the terrorists.” Bauer said that, if elected, he would visit the Guantanamo Bay detention facility once a week and personally waterboard every prisoner held there, regardless of whether they have been charged with any wrongdoing.

“9/11,” Bauer added.

“I don’t want [terrorists] on our soil,” former Massachusetts Governor Jack Bauer said. “I want them on Guantanamo, where they don’t get the access to lawyers that they get when they’re on our soil. I don’t want them in our prisons. I want them there. Some people have said we ought to close Guantanamo. My view is we ought to double Guantanamo.” Bauer added that he may also double his name, to “Jack Jack Bauer Bauer.”

“Torture is wrong and provides unreliable information. Unless, of course, it’s done by me, Jack Bauer,” said Arizona Senator Jack Bauer. “Nobody on this stage tonight knows more about torture than Jack Bauer.”

“I’m not looking for Jack Bauer, I am Jack Bauer!” Colorado Rep. Jack Bauer said to thunderous applause.

Former Tennessee Senator and “Law and Order” star Jack Bauer said he would “torture everyone I can get my hands on until someone tells me where Saddam is hiding his WMD. And if we ever capture Saddam, I will torture him myself.”

Despite their differences, the candidates appeared to agree that terrorism is bad, 9/11 was tragic and that torture is good when it’s done by Jack Bauer.

Republican voters seemed excited by the name changes, despite the obvious potential for confusion of the candidates and their positions on the issues.

“I don’t give two flaming shits who wins the nomination,” longtime Republican voter George “Jack Bauer” Nichols said. “In the general election, I’m voting for Jack Bauer.”

h/t to Wes at Daily Chicken Scratch for the image.