Bush bypasses Constitution with signing statement

Another in my ongoing public audition for The Onion.

President Bush issued a signing statement Friday declaring that he is not bound by the restraints placed on his office by the United States Constitution.

“Provisions of the Constitution purport to impose requirements that could inhibit the president's ability to carry out his constitutional obligations as commander in chief, to take care that the laws be faithfully executed, to protect national security, to supervise the executive branch, and to execute his authority as commander in chief,” the statement said. “The executive branch shall take such provisions under advisement and construe them in a manner consistent with the authority of the President.”

“In other words, the Constitution cannot be allowed to limit with my ability to do my job as president,” Bush said before boarding Marine One for his flight to Camp David. “Those candidates can go ahead and stop campaigning now,” Bush added, refusing to elaborate.

The White House later released a second signing statement, this one declaring that Bush doesn’t have to actually sign a law to issue a signing statement declaring his right to ignore it.

White House spokesperson Dana Perino said that Attorney General Michael Mukasey reviewed the signing statements and declared them “100 percent legal,” adding, “So you all might as well just shut up about it.”